Tattoos - in the mind....

So... maybe I will stick with this, maybe I won't. I used to consider myself pretty good with words. I think I write the way I speak, which I hope most can follow. Sometimes I read others writings and I think "Did they think that way, or did they overthink it just to seem a bit more "deep" or "intelligent" when all I end up doing is re-reading what I just read in hopes that it makes more sense the second time around....
Oh well...

Anyway - I really am unhappy at work... so I am trying new things - new outlets that I can possibly make a living at. I play music - but not confidently enough to promote myself and go play solo gigs. I stick to hosting a modest open mic night once a week for $100 cash and a free bar tab. The only downside: it's on a weeknight. Thursday mornings are ROUGH, to say the least. But, I press on.

My sister has been a tattoo artist for the past 11 years. I went to art school for graphic design. Those people who convince you to "Come to our school! With a Graphic Design degree, you can design CD covers, posters and be involved in all types of amazing media!" YEAH RIGHT.

After working for a little local newspaper for $8.50 an hour, I now, 12 years later, find myself working in Corporate America for a Fortune 500 company - a fortune of which I see none, by the way - in a job doing technical support/prepress crap. This is NOT what I thought I would be doing. Yes, it's a job, and in today's economy I suppose I should be greatful to have a paycheck at all... but really - at what cost? Is it worth the paycheck and insurance that I have to fight to cover my birth control and worth the hassle of being threatened for taking a 14 minute break - to just get by?

So, as unhappy as I am, I recently bought a house. After doing the math on the amount of money I had paid my last landlord in rent, realizing I had paid off the building in the 8 years I rented from him - I decided to pay for something for myself. Hopefully something I could sell in a few years, make a couple bucks and blow this state! New England or bust, I say.

The family - well, aside from my sister and the squeaking by exception of my youngest brother - they are all doing horribly.

My fathers business has been falling apart and he seems to thing he will be able to stay afloat via eBay. I don't know what makes him think this will work, but if you ever met my Dad, no one can tell him he's wrong. No one.

My mother. Well, this is fully loaded situation. Shes a bit, how should I put this...? Delusional. Yep. That's the word. She's been unhappily married to my Dad for 30 years.

30 YEARS.
UNHAPPILY - for 30 YEARS.

I can't imagine my life being like that. And I have to wonder then too... what's wrong with my Dad that he hasn't left either. Does nothing inside them motivate them to move on and just be as happy as they can be for the time they have left? I guess not.

It makes me sad.

Which is why I need to get away. I feel like it's poison. Poison to any ambition or hope to become something different, something better, something HAPPY. I don't know if either of them know what happiness is. In turn... do I? Do I just have examples from television, friends, stories I read in the paper... do I know what it means to be "happy"? Who knows.

I think sometimes I do. I think sometimes - "Wow! That was a fantastic day!" I find that those days are usually filled with friends, music, drinking, traveling, maybe a few recreational drugs/maybe not - but definitely filled one of the few things in life that I feel either bring me happiness or help me escape from my sadness.

My sadness.

I'm sure if you knew me, you probably wouldn't guess I have much. But it's okay. I'm not blogging so people would say "Oh wow... poor her... poor girl and her crazy family and her fucked up life..." trust me. I know others have it way worse. I just get bummed out from time to time about the hand I was dealt.

Being the 3rd generation of women on my mothers side to not know a biological father. That's fucked up. Something is wrong with that picture, don't you think? I would think after my mom didn't know hers - and her mom didn't know hers - she would want the cycle to end with her - but in some strange ignorance - she did the same thing HER mother did, and HER mother did.

I swore since I knew that my "Dad" wasn't my "real" Dad - that I would NEVER let that happen to me. And my solution to that is pretty simple: No kids for me at all.

Someone asked me the other day why I don't want kids. I have a million reasons - I do,... but for some reason, I couldn't think of ONE to respond with. Not one that would have seemed strong enough of a reason for this person anyway. She wants the whole picture: Marriage, kids, picket fence, blah blah blah. Too bad it took her boyfriend 9 years to propose - and I am pretty sure it was a 'ask me or get the hell out' proposal. But hey, that's her life, not mine.

I think most people have kids for very selfish reasons. Think about it...
1. To keep a relationship together. (yeah, cause that ALWAYS works)
2. To see what you and another could create, together.
3. Whoops... accident!
4. You want that "picture perfect" family - that will probably end in divorce and the kids will come from a broken home. Awesome.
5. OR you could be me - 1 of 4 whose parents hated each other and all you wanted them to do was divorce, but instead "stuck it out for the kids" and made it even worse. Add on the guilt of thinking you stole any chance your parents MIGHT have had at being happy - oh yeah. Good call.
6. Because you WANT one. or Two. or Three... why.

Next year 2011 - the worlds population will reach over 7 BILLION. BILLION.

7,000,000,000

That is INSANE.

With all the SHIT in this world. All the horrible things that happen everyday, nothing has really gotten BETTER... all the heartache, disease, terror, hate and violence, isn't it enough that I have to deal with it. I can't imagine things 10, 15, 20 years from now - when our resources are drying up, oil spills in the oceans have destroyed things we didn't even know existed and that we didn't realize we needed, when the air we breathe isn't safe, the sun that helps things grow and provides life also is killing us slowly and our technology is fighting with mother nature - why bring in another life to have to endure that. Isn't it enough that I just spend MY life trying to find the beautiful things that are here now - and enjoy them...

Magical Powers

JUJU: an object with magical power

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Juju


So, I don't know - I doubt I will stick with the blog title, but for now... what the hell? I learned a new word today, at the very least.